


"I can't love you."

by LinRiverSongBeifong



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smoking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:18:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7942714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinRiverSongBeifong/pseuds/LinRiverSongBeifong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="italic">Any way to get close to him.</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I can't love you."

Brian looked at the packet of cigarettes in his hands like they were a loaded weapon.

The red and white packaging making him think of one person.

His hands were already a trembling mess at just the mere thought of what he was about to do. The lighter he had, felt like a weight in his jacket pocket. In the back of his mind he had only one thought.

_Any way to get closer to him…_

When he was finally able to get the poison on a stick between his fingers he put away the small box and moved to his balcony with heavy feat.

 _He’s in love with someone else…_ Brian thought to himself.

He slid the glass door open slowly. Feeling the cold Province town air on his skin made him shiver, the burning at the back of his eyes almost too much to bare.

When he was finally outside it took him a few tries to just get the lighter working, but when he could; he mirrored what he had seen _him_ do a hundred times.

He placed the cigarette between his lips and breathed in to get the tobacco burning. When the smoke filled his lungs he ripped the cig from his lips and coughed violently. He felt acid rise at the back of his throat and for an almost frightful moment he thought that he couldn’t do it.

_Any way to get closer to him…_

After he had recovered he took another hit. Just hoping that his disgust would go away.

In the back of his mind he could see bright green eyes, a breath taking smile, and a look of pure love that would never be for him.

He began to pace in hopes that it would be easier to breathe in the smoke.

He rose the cigarette to his lips a second time and it went down smother. The feeling of the nicotine making his head swim and his limbs feel like lead. He hated the feeling instantly. For a moment the only thought that he could come up with was…

_God, I hate this._

But he knew that he couldn’t stop. The more he smoked, the more he could feel the lingering touches of the other. He could feel the press of red lips against his pink one, the way that his hands just seemed to fit perfectly in _his_.

He stopped and let the smoke in his mouth float out like a halo. The smoke burned his eyes like a fire that gave reason for the tears to finally fall on his cheeks.

A broken sob was ripped from him right after.

However, he never let the cigarette fall from his fingers. On the contrary, he took another drag like his life depended on it.

_I can’t love you, I can’t be happy with you because I’m not the one you want to be happy with._

He continued to pace up and down; letting smoke surround him like a blanket of comfort and memories.

Nothing could stop the aching in his heart though. The only thing that he could think about was the way that Bri’s eyes had lit up when he talked about the mysterious man that he had met back home. A man that was finally able to have the Russian feel something that Brian had desperately hoped he would have been the cause of.

Another drag, another painful reminder.

_Any way to get closer to him…_

Brian had thought that they were going to make it. He had thought that what was between them wasn’t just for the cameras and the fans, but something more. Something real that would have been like a real life fairy tale.

_But I can’t love you…_

Nicotine was making his heart race, his entire body ache with something that he would gladly die to have just one last time.

He took another hit of the cigarette to try and calm his nerves. It worked, but he was frightened at how well it worked. If he let it, he could almost feel strong arms around him. The smell of the smoke and rose perfume that somehow seemed to always intermingle with the smoke was the only thing that he had to go by in his memory.

As he walked passed the glass sliding door one more time, he caught sight of his reflection. He almost didn’t recognize himself

What stared back at him was a broken man with blood shot eyes and wet cheeks. The cigarette something so out of character that he could have sworn someone else was holding it. Someone that he had just realized he had lost in the worst of ways.

Ash fell on his bare foot and he could feel as a dying ember burn his skin.

_Any way to get closer to him, to feel like he’s there with me._

He turned his back on the glass and just continued to smoke. The more he did, the more he was able to push back the disgusting taste.

Brian moved up the balcony to lean against the railing. His tears had stopped, but he knew that there was going to be more to come. He knew that the moment that he finished his first cigarette there was going to be the need for another.

“I really wasn’t enough…” He said out loud for the first time. His voice rough from the burning of the smoke as it went down his throat.

It took another few long minutes for the cigarette to burn all the way to the filter, with his help of course. Then it took Brian another minute for him to push off the railing and trek back inside.

_This isn’t enough to feel close to him…_

Even when that thought crossed his mind it didn’t stop him from losing an entire night sleep and for him to dig out the jacket he had stolen from Bri when he had come to visit. A jacket that smelt like smoke and something that Brian couldn’t help but think of as home.

That night he didn’t sleep. He just laid in bed letting the smoke that floated from his lips linger in the air around him.

When the sun came up, Brian reached out for another cigarette only to find out that it was completely empty.

****


End file.
